Author:
Updated November 10, 2022
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Von Linda Carroll, MS, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Linda Carroll is a licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified life coach currently residing in Oregon. She received her master's degree in counseling from Oregon State University and has been practicing psychotherapy since 1981.
We are all wired to protect ourselves and this can lead to defensive behaviour. But if you find that you or your partner are always alert and on the front lines waiting to go into defensive communication mode, it can be profoundly damaging to the relationship. Here are 12 facts about defensiveness that can help us better understand this self-protective instinct. By better understanding defenses, we can learn to break them as a habit and begin to engage in our relationships with more compassion and openness.
Notice
This ad is displayed with third-party content and we have no control over accessibility features.
"Being defensive means reacting to a situation with an overprotective mindset that may not justify it," said marriage therapist Linda Carroll, LMFT.this mbg. "Instead of listening with an open heart, we respond with metaphorical shields raised and weapons drawn." 1. Being defensive means reacting to a situation with an overprotective mindset that may not justify it. Defensiveness is an impulsive and reactive way of responding to a situation or conversation. Instead of listening with an open heart, we respond with metaphorical shields raised and weapons drawn. This ad is displayed with third-party content and we have no control over accessibility features. 2. Moments of defensiveness can occur with a partner, a child, your mother, or even a coworker—all relationships will inevitably suffer a breakdown in communication at some point. For example, your husband forgets to forward a message, your wife forgets to buy milk at the store, or your partner says something that accidentally hurts your feelings. It's natural to get defensive in response to interruptions like this in your relationship. But it's all about your recovery time: Staying defensive is a decidedly different approach to your relationship than acknowledging that you're defensive and letting it slide. 3. When your partner forgets to call you, you need to express how you feel. Saying, "I'm upset you didn't call when you announced" isNOdefensive but open andehrlich. This gives your partner the benefit of the doubt and allows them to see the situation in the best of circumstances with a simple "I'm sorry. How can I improve this situation?" to solve. or "What would you rather the next time I do it?" This ad is displayed with third-party content and we have no control over accessibility features. 4. The "conflict cycle" works like this: connect, disconnect, protest, fix, and reconnect. The two most important steps in an "ideal conflict" are protest and reparation. Moments like this help build trust in the resilience of the relationship.Deal with conflicts explicitly and openly.reassures both partners that they can trust each other; You can be honest and appreciate that every relationship is a work in progress that is not set or defined in terms of any one person. Remember, when the time comes to protest, make sure your complaint is made with enough consideration so as not to punish or embarrass your loved one. 5. Of course, it's hard to give and receive healthy criticism when we're stuck in a defensive posture. If you're feeling defensive, try to see if you can acknowledge this and deal with the conflict as honestly and generously as possible. If your partner offers criticism that makes you feel defensive, can you explain why? It's important that you learn to overcome defensive behaviors in a relationship because if we don't learn to deal with our grievances directly, we will inevitably deal with them indirectly. More often than not, this manifests itself in more toxic ways: teasing or sarcastic comments, holding a grudge, or becoming more indifferent to our partner over time. This ad is displayed with third-party content and we have no control over accessibility features. 6. We are programmed to connect with others just as much as we are programmed to protect ourselves. In the first phase of love, when we are enamored with the freshness and excitement of a new romance, we expect the best from our new partner. And we are rewarded for everything they say and do.activates the connection center of our brain. We look at your actions, intentions, and language through the lens of our positive vision. When the chemistry of the "honeymoon phase" changes, a second type of cycle arises that has to do with sustained connection. So during defensive moments, when your natural instinct for self-protection kicks in, see if you can tap into our naturally co-existing desire for connection. Remember the lasting connection of this first phase of love and try to access the feelings that predisposed you to generosity and understanding at the beginning of your relationship. 7. When we perceive our partner as a threat, we withdraw to protect ourselves from further harm. However, withdrawal and separation continue to cause problems. At the center of our vulnerability is the feeling that we have beenhurt by someone we love. We may want them to "come back" and reconnect, but our behavior is the last thing that would invite them back. So if you least want to get in touch, take a chance and give it a try; the results will pay off (much more than isolating yourself). This ad is displayed with third-party content and we have no control over accessibility features. 8. We often stress the importance of expressing anger and grievances, but rarely learn how to deal with receiving them.How do you feel calm and still while your partner is grieving?who is emotionally unavailable or trustworthy? How do you silence the constant stream of counter arguments from your inner advocate? Ask yourself these questions and find a way to find inner peace during criticism so you don't react defensively. 9. Your reaction to criticism (or how defensive you get) can depend on a few factors, including temperament, history, and self-esteem. Keep this in mind for you and your partner; It's always important to remember that we all have a variety of influencers when it comes to our behavior. In terms of defensive behavior, some people are more prone to it. Some people have a nervous system that responds more frequently and strongly to sensory stimulation. You may have a more exaggerated startle response than other people, even in the same family. You may often be described as "overly sensitive" or "sincere." People who tend to be defensive may notice an attack in certain situations that people with a resilient and calm temperament would not. Try to see the situation from different angles. 10 we all useluggagewith us since childhood - defensiveness is no different. If your parents have often shamed and severely punished you, as an adult you can quickly feel self-conscious when you see someone upset and angry about something. The reasons for becoming defensive are varied and important to understand, but they do not eliminate the need to learn to rewire the impulse to protect ourselves immediately. 11 The price to pay in our intimate relationships for not being willing to protest (whether out of fear, doubt, an impulse to please people, etc.) is that we make it literally impossible for the problems in the relationship to heal. . .The relationship begins to burn with resentment.that hurt us in ways that they wouldn't if they were expressed freely. Keep this in mind when considering sweeping problems under the rug rather than facing them. 12 Relationships give us the opportunity to grow in ways that make us more loving, accepting, and whole. Learning to listen to our partner's complaints with curiosity and openness not only deepens the connection between us, but also helps us to be more open in all of our relationships. Understand that overly defensive behavior could prevent you from being a better version of yourself.What is defensive behavior?
defense is a boost
Notice
All relationships experience defensiveness at times.
Being honest is not the same as being defensive.
Notice
Conflict allows reconnection (and more)
One way to overcome defensive behavior is to acknowledge it.
Notice
Our brains are designed for both connection and defense.
Deprivation is not really a good way to protect ourselves.
Notice
We all have to be critical.
Some people tend to be more defensive than others.
Your childhood story has a lot to do with how you respond to criticism.
Grudges are not good for us
When done with love, criticism leads to connection.
FAQs
What kind of person is always defensive? ›
A defensive person can be someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. A defensive person can also be someone that has low self-esteem or that has a difficult time listening to criticisms about themself.
What are some behaviors that cause defensive behavior? ›- Trauma or abuse in childhood makes a person crave power.
- Anxiety or depression.
- Reaction to conceal the truth.
- Reaction to feeling helpless.
- Response to shame or guilt.
- Indication of a mental health disorder.
- Learned behavior from others.
Causes of Defensiveness
Feeling like others don't care enough about you. Being afraid of rejection. Having low self-esteem. Lacking confidence.
Research from 2020 suggested that people use defensiveness to give themselves a break when they do something wrong. A person may become defensive because they're: misrepresenting or forgetting what occurred. deflecting blame onto others.
Are defensive people insecure? ›In almost all cases, defensiveness is the result of emotional insecurity and fear. And when we feel insecure and don't know how to manage our fears—especially in the relationships where there's a lot at stake—we tend to fall back on primitive coping strategies like defensiveness to feel better.
Is being defensive narcissistic? ›Inability to Apologize or Admit Mistakes: Narcissists construct a defensive façade in order to protect their shaky self-esteem. They do not actually have stable enough self-esteem to admit mistakes and apologize without feeling more shame than they can tolerate.
Is being defensive a toxic trait? ›Being defensive is toxic to you and your partner as a whole because it causes arguments, fights, and tension among you both. In addition, when people are being defensive, they may be mean or rude and not express their feelings about an issue or situation.
What are signs of being defensive? ›- Stop listening to the other person completely.
- Trying justifying your actions.
- Accuse someone else of doing the mistake.
- Blame another person.
- Make excuses about what they are criticizing.
- Bring up the past instances rather than talking about the present situation.
Individuals with BPD traits develop maladaptive behaviors that can be difficult for friends and families to understand, often resulting in chaotic relationships. People with personality disorders often use “defense mechanisms”, or coping strategies, that allow them to deny responsibility for their feelings and actions.
How do you break defensiveness? ›- Remind yourself of your deepest values. Remembering our firmest beliefs and passions can make us feel less defensive. ...
- See criticism as a sign of others' belief in your abilities. ...
- Cultivate a growth mindset. ...
- In the moment, buy time. ...
- Use classic: “I” statements.
Why do liars get defensive? ›
Becoming angry and defensive
If they feel that someone closes in on their lies and raises questions, liars tend to get angry and defensive. Even if no one is outright accusing them, they have an overblown reaction due to their fear of being caught.
As you've learned, being defensive is a result of feeling ashamed, hurt, guilty, attacked, etc. If a person is feeling this way, responding with further criticism is likely to end only in stonewalling or an argument. Instead, show empathy and concern for the situation that the other person is experiencing.
What are the common types of defensive behavior? ›Defensive behaviors are a group of evolved responses to threat. They include flight, freezing, defensive threat, defensive attack, and risk assessment. The type of defensive behavior elicited in a particular situation depends on features of both the threat and the situation.
What does defensiveness do to a relationship? ›Being defensive blocks connection, compassion, and isolates you from your partner. Instead of focusing on we-ness, a defensive person focuses on me-ness. Defensiveness is one of the most dangerous signs of toxic fighting because it creates never-ending cycles of negativity.
Can a defensive person change? ›The good news is, defensiveness can be managed. If you are a person who has been called "highly defensive," then consider whether there might be a grain of truth to it. Remember that this is not a character flaw; it may well be something that was once a protection for you but is no longer.
Can defensiveness ruin a relationship? ›Famous relationship and marriage therapists, Dr. John and Julie Gottman, see defensiveness as so destructive it's one of what they call the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”. Alongside criticism, contempt, and stonewalling, it heralds the end of a relationship.
When your partner is always defensive? ›The simplest way to deal with this kind of behavior is to be upfront with your husband or wife about it. If they exhibit defensive behavior, point it out to them. Let them know if they are being defensive so they can be aware and make the necessary changes in the way they communicate and respond to you.
What are the 5 main habits of a narcissist? ›- Inflated Ego. Those who suffer from narcissism usually seem themselves as superior to others. ...
- Lack of Empathy. ...
- Need for Attention. ...
- Repressed Insecurities. ...
- Few Boundaries.
"You're a bad person." "Nobody else will ever love you." "I'm the best you'll ever have." "Have fun being alone for the rest of your life."
How does a narcissist apologize? ›In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry.
How do you communicate with someone who always gets defensive? ›
- Refrain from reacting defensively. ...
- Shift your focus to the other person. ...
- Ask questions until you understand them. ...
- Move toward a resolution.
Alternatively, a person who is sensitive in a temperamental way is usually defensive regarding threats to his or her ego. Hypervigilant about protecting his or her self-esteem, this person often, unconsciously, deflects accountability, and unfairly projects blame onto others to escape internal discomfort.
Is being defensive a trauma response? ›Defensiveness shows itself through trauma for a variety of reasons. According to science, defensiveness is a common symptom for those who struggle with trauma, especially those who struggle with trauma related to sexual violence.
How do you talk to someone who gets defensive immediately? ›- Calmly state your intentions up-front. For particularly sensitive topics that you're almost sure will generate a defensive response, it can be helpful to just anticipate it. ...
- Steer clear of “always,” “never,” and “you” statements. ...
- Own your part. ...
- Ask questions.
Getting defensive can take many different forms, including verbal attacks, denial (denying what has been said), fabrication (outright lying), avoidance (not allowing any discussion on the matter), gaslighting (e.g., calling the other person “crazy” or suggesting something is wrong with the other person) and others.
Is defensiveness part of ADHD? ›ADHD makes us more sensitive to criticism. Often, our first instinct is to respond defensively or angrily to outside comments that feel like disapproval. But adults with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) should know that doing so could sacrifice learning opportunities and the respect of others.
What is the antidote to defensiveness? ›The antidote to defensiveness? Take responsibility. The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. In healthy relationships, partners don't get defensive when discussing an area of conflict.
What words do liars use? ›...
4. Overemphasizing their trustworthiness: "To be honest."
- "To be honest"
- "To tell you the truth"
- "Believe me"
- "Let me be clear"
- "The fact is"
Answer: Generally, when people talk about someone becoming defensive in the context of a conversation, they are meaning that that someone is engaging in emotionally defensive maneuvers designed to ward off their having to experience some unwanted feeling or admit responsibility for some disowned act.
Is he lying if he gets defensive? ›They tend to point a lot.
"When a liar becomes hostile or defensive, he is attempting to turn the tables on you," says Glass. The liar will get hostile because he is angry that you've discovered his lies, which may result in a lot of pointing.
Is being defensive a mental illness? ›
If someone points out a part of you that you want to change but feel helpless about, then you may respond in a defensive manner. A symptom of a mental health disorder. Sometimes, defensiveness is part of a larger mental health problem such as a personality disorder, eating disorder, etc.
What behavior style is defensive? ›Defensive behavior is defined as that behavior which occurs when an individual perceives threat or anticipates threat in the group. The person who behaves defensively, even though he or she also gives some attention to the common task, devotes an appreciable portion of energy to defending himself or herself.
How do you deal with someone who is always defensive? ›- Refrain from reacting defensively. ...
- Shift your focus to the other person. ...
- Ask questions until you understand them. ...
- Move toward a resolution.
Defensiveness can protect emotional wounds left by trauma and abuse. At the same time, it blocks out the rest of the world. In conversations, defensiveness prevents connection and communication. While we quickly notice defensiveness in others, we are slower to notice and acknowledge it in ourselves.
How do you break defensive behavior? ›- Remind yourself of your deepest values. Remembering our firmest beliefs and passions can make us feel less defensive. ...
- See criticism as a sign of others' belief in your abilities. ...
- Cultivate a growth mindset. ...
- In the moment, buy time. ...
- Use classic: “I” statements.
Being defensive blocks connection, compassion, and isolates you from your partner. Instead of focusing on we-ness, a defensive person focuses on me-ness. Defensiveness is one of the most dangerous signs of toxic fighting because it creates never-ending cycles of negativity.